The Loving Room
by Shonetta
Summary: J/C. AU. A short story that takes place after the seventh season episode Repression. Chakotay makes a discovery on the holodeck.


**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

_This is an old story, one of the first I ever wrote, that I have significantly revised as I was unhappy with it in its original form. The story takes place after the seventh season episode Repression._

**THE LOVING ROOM**

Alone in his quarters, wrapped in a black robe, Chakotay replicated himself a hot chocolate. The hour was gone midnight, and he was due on the bridge at 7:00 hours, but he couldn't sleep. Every time he tried, he just found himself thinking about the events of the day. This was not uncommon, he often had trouble sleeping after battles or accidents, but the events of this day were particularly haunting. Even though he'd been under mind control when he'd taken over the ship, and even though he knew he was not responsible for his actions, it still disturbed him that he could so easily be taken over. Taken over and turned into a man he would rather die than ever be...a man who could hurt Kathryn. A man who could endanger her life. A man who could have a phaser aimed at her and fire it to kill. He remembered that moment, remembered the fear in her eyes, and it would be a long time before he could forget it. Perhaps it would be a long time before she could too. While she had already forgiven Tuvok for his part in the affair, she was still giving him the cold shoulder. The incident had clearly shaken her as much as it had him and it would perhaps be a while before their friendship recovered. He could only hope not too long. He needed her friendship, needed her trust and respect, and he depended on it.

Still feeling agitated, and needing a distraction, Chakotay decided to go to the holodeck and do some boxing. The punch bag was always a good vent and, with a little luck, he would exhaust himself enough that he would finally be able to sleep. So, after downing what was left of his drink, he returned to his bedroom, changed into shorts and t-shirt, and went to the holodeck. Voyager's corridors were empty, as they always were at night, but when Chakotay arrived at the holodeck, he found that both were in use. The first by The Doctor, who often amused himself there at night, and the second by Kathryn. According to the computer, she'd been there for over two hours and, to his concern, with the safeties off. It was not unlike her to spend the midnight hours on the holodeck, she often resorted there to think or to work, but it was unlike her to leave the safeties off. Perhaps it was just an oversight on her part, or the program she was running didn't require safeties, but wanting and needing to make sure that she was ok, Chakotay overrode her lockout and went inside.

As he entered the holodeck, slowly and cautiously, Chakotay left the twenty-fourth century behind. Instead of silver walls and gadgets, computers and consoles, he found himself in the bedchamber of a magnificent gothic castle. It had walls of stone, majestical arched windows that looked out at a starry sky, a wooden floor decorated with colorful rugs, and the room was lit by a roaring fire that burnt in a magnificent hearth. Before the fire were two sofa chairs of red velvet, and opposite the chairs, in the other side of the room, was a magnificent four poster bed. It had drapes of red velvet, which were partly closed, and a cover of shimmering gold. Between the bed and the chairs, directly below a window that was slightly open, was an ornate dining table. It had two chairs, both elaborately engraved with lions and roses, and upon the table were the remains of a meal. It had clearly been a meal for two, as there were two plates and two wine glasses.

After taking in the beautiful setting, Chakotay looked around for Kathryn. He couldn't see her anywhere, not before the fire, not by the bed, and it suddenly occurred to him that this room might just be one of many in the simulation she was running. If she was participating in a gothic novel, as she often did, then she could be anywhere in the castle. It could take him a long time to find her and, if she was hurt, he might not have that time. There was only one way to find her swiftly and that was to end the program. Resolved, Chakotay was just about to give the computer the command, when he heard a rustle of sheets coming from the bed. It clearly wasn't unoccupied after all, just looked so from his angle, and he could only conclude that the occupant was Kathryn. But, needing to be sure, he quietly went over to the bed and drew back the drape that was blocking his view. As he did, he expected to find Kathryn sleeping alone, but instead he found her asleep in the arms of a man. She was lying with her head was on his bare chest and her arm was around him. For a moment, Chakotay thought the man was a hololover, maybe Michael, but then he saw that the man was a holographic version of himself. He was asleep too and was holding Kathryn tight.

For a long while, Chakotay could only gaze tearfully at the scene. The intimacy, the tenderness, it said more than a million words ever could. It said the words he had waited so long to hear, it said she loved him. Loved him the way he had always loved her. The way he loved her still. And yet, while that knowledge joyed him, it also hurt his heart. Hurt him to think that she had been intimate with his hologram but not with him. Hurt because every part of him ached to be lying where his hologram was, to be sleeping beside her, to be holding her in his arms. And it hurt for her heart. Hurt to think she was settling for the cold and empty love of a hologram when she could have his that was real and true. And then...and then it occurred to him that he could take the hologram's place...just for a little while. In this beautiful setting, he could hold the woman he loved, hold her in the way she clearly wanted him to, and make a memory to cherish. She would never have to know. Never have to know it was him, and not his hologram, that had held her. For, by morning, he would be gone.

"Computer," he whispered, "delete character Chakotay."

Instantly the hologram disappeared and Kathryn sank onto the soft pillow beneath her. The motion made her stir, but she did not wake up. Chakotay then took off his t-shirt, climbed into the bed beside her, and gently drew her into his arms. Again Kathryn stirred, but as his arms enveloped her, she nestled against his chest and held him in return. As she did, Chakotay tenderly kissed her forehead, holding the kiss long, and then he closed his eyes and cherished the feel of her in his arms. The feel of the woman he had loved so much for so long. And then, before he knew it, he was asleep.

Asleep. It was not until an alarm bleeped, hailing the coming of morning, that Chakotay awoke. As his senses engaged, and he recalled where he was, an anxiety gripped him. He was not supposed to have fallen asleep. He was supposed to have left before Kathryn awoke. But now it was too late. Now she was waking too. And, on waking, she would know it was him beside her and not his hologram. Human skin felt different, smelt different, and she would feel, if not hear, the beating of his heart. And, sure enough, as she woke up he felt her freeze in his arms, felt every single muscle in her body tense. Then she was drawing away from him and looking down at him, fear and pain in her tortured eyes.

"What...what are you doing here?" she asked.

"What my hologram was," he said kindly. "After everything that happened yesterday, I couldn't sleep, so I came to the holodeck to box. But when I got here I saw that you'd been running a program for over two hours with the safeties off. Fearing you might be hurt, I overrode the lockout and came looking for you. I found you in here with my hologram and, well, I deleted him and took his place."

At this, Kathryn turned away and hugged her knees. "You had no right...either to come in or to... This program is private."

"I know," he answered. "And I'm sorry. But I really was worried about you."

"Well, there was no need. I was fine."

Chakotay slowly sat up. "We're not, Kathryn...fine. I think we're far from fine. And I'm not talking about what happened yesterday, I'm talking about us." Tenderly, he reached out and put his hand on her shoulder. "We both clearly want what neither of us has dared to say."

"Because we can't, Chakotay, say it. The command structure, it...it can't be compromised."

"So, what? We both resort to sleeping with holograms of each other?"

With trembling fingers, Kathryn wiped away a tear. "We...we didn't," she said, "sleep together. I mean...not the way you're thinking. We just...we just talked, had dinner, played chess and then...and then what you saw."

"I see. And I'm glad. Because it hurt, profoundly, to think you'd been intimate with my hologram but not with me."

"I wouldn't...I couldn't. I know it would be a violation. I just... After what happened I needed...I needed to be with a you that cared about me, a you I could be with without guilt. Because what happened it...it made me feel..." She paused. "But it doesn't matter now. Let's just forget about yesterday and forget about this, ok?"

"Yesterday, I'm all too happy to forget about," he replied, "because what happened disturbed me too. But this...you resorting to my hologram...I think we need to talk about it. In fact, there's a lot I think we need to talk about. For too long we've sidelined our feelings. I think it's time we faced up to them."

"We have, Chakotay. We know how we feel. I love you and you love me. We know that. We've always known that. But our positions, they...they mean we can't be together."

"I didn't," he said, "know how you feel. Not for sure. But last night...I knew then. And I wanted to be him. I wanted to be the Chakotay that was holding you. Because I've dreamt of that for so long. So I took his place and...well, I only planned on staying a little while but I fell asleep." A tear ran down his cheek. "I love you so much, Kathryn. Let's at least discuss the possibility of us. Because no one expects you to be alone."

"And I don't want to be alone. I want...I want to be with you. And I don't mean...you know...sex. I want...I want intimacy in every way. I want affection and...and to be touched. I want that more than...more than sex. But I can't. As captain I...I can't."

Gently, Chakotay reached for her hand and held it in his. "We all need affection, Kathryn. We all need to be touched. And I have the same longings too. They're basic human needs. And we have to ask ourselves whether we're doing more harm than good by shelving our feelings. I know our positions are an obstacle, but they're not an insurmountable one, not in our circumstance. We're still a lifetime away from the Federation, and the reality is we might never see home again. We have to make a life for ourselves on this ship. That doesn't mean accepting defeat, that we'll never get home, it's just...it's just making the most of our lives. And as to what the crew would think, well, most of them believe we're secretly a couple anyway. Love is a precious gift, Kathryn, and in our circumstance, maybe all the more precious."

Kathryn squeezed his hand as her tear splashed onto it. "But do you really think we could do it, Chakotay? That we could enjoy the personal without compromising the professional?"

"Yes," he said firmly. "A relationship doesn't have to be romantic for judgments to be clouded. There only needs to be a bond. And we have that."

"I know. And in my head, I know you're right. I know our friendship is enough to jeopardize professional clarity. I just...I'm afraid. I'm afraid of messing things up between us, and I'm afraid of not being the best captain to this crew that I can be. They're depending on me to get them home and...and I'm afraid a relationship, especially with my First Officer, would be a distraction. And yet...and yet sometimes the pain is one. Sometimes I get so lonely that...that I think it would be better for the crew if I was happy. Because I'm not, Chakotay, happy. I try to convince myself that I am, that I'm not lonely, that I don't need intimacy, but the truth is I do. And sometimes...sometimes I'd rather be dead than living this life." Tearfully, she turned away again and hugged her knees. "But that's selfishness talking. I have a crew to get home, a mission to accomplish. My needs they...they don't count."

"Of course they count, Kathryn. And as your First Officer, it's my place to take care of them. So, if you need a professional reason for us to be together, consider that one."

At these words, which Kathryn knew were half serious and half not, she turned tack to him and smiled a crooked smile. "I hardly think that would placate Starfleet Command, Chakotay."

"Who gives a damn what they think? All that matters is you, me, and our crew. I love you, Kathryn, and the last thing I want is for you to be unhappy. Neither do I want you to be sleeping, in the literal sense, with my hologram when you could be sleeping with me. I think the distance we're maintaining between us is hurting us more than it's benefiting anyone."

"You're right, I just... I'm not ready for a relationship. I like things black and white, like protocols and parameters. But if we, you know, took away the line between us so there's no boundaries, I just don't know if I'd adapt. And if I couldn't, if things didn't work out, we'd still have to work together."

"Yes," he agreed.

"So I'm sorry, Chakotay. My answer has to be what...what it's always been. As long as we're Captain and First Officer, that's all we can be." A tear ran down her cheek. "But I do love you. And if things were different, then...well, everything would be different."

Chakotay lowered his eyes, his pain visible. "I understand, Kathryn. I've always hoped you'd change your mind...about our positions being a barrier...but in my heart I've always known you never would." He paused and then raised his eyes. "But I'm glad we've had this conversation."

"Me too," Kathryn whispered.

"And I want you to know that my door is always open. We don't have to be lovers for you to come to me for comfort or companionship. Whenever you need a hug, all you have to do is ask."

"Thank you," Kathryn said quietly. "You too."

Chakotay gave a sad nod and then slowly climbed out of the bed. "Well, I'd better get dressed. I was due on the bridge at 7:00 hours, but I'm guessing it's well passed that."

"Actually, it isn't," Kathryn told him. "I set the alarm for 5:00 hours. I didn't want to be in here when...well, when the crew is up and about."

"I see. Well, in that case, I guess I've got plenty of time for breakfast. Want to join me? We could have it in on Lake George as the sun rises."

Kathryn hesitated, but then smiled. "I'd like that."

Chakotay smiled back. "Then breakfast it is."

He then put on his t-shirt and addressed the computer. "Computer, merge program LGY with this one, making a door in this room that leads onto our yacht."

The computer instantly processed his request and a door appeared in the wall to their left.

"I'll go through and prepare everything," he said to Kathryn. "You come through when you're ready."

Kathryn nodded and then Chakotay turned around and headed for the door. Just as he'd requested, it led onto the yacht, and when there he changed the setting from midnight to sunrise. Immediately the black sky was transformed into a ruby dawn and birds flew overhead. Chakotay then took a shower in the yacht's only cabin, and afterwards he replicated himself a uniform and put it on. Then he returned to the deck, set its ornate table for breakfast, and then began to replicate pancakes, cereal, toast, coffee and fruit juice. Just as he was finishing up, the door that joined this simulation to the castle's opened and Kathryn appeared. He expected her to be in uniform too but, to his surprise, she was wearing a pretty blue dress. It was knee-length, figure hugging, and had only straps for sleeves. For a long moment Chakotay could only gaze at her, but then he noticed the disappointment on her face when she saw that he was in uniform.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I thought that...I'll change."

"No," Kathryn replied, closing the gap between them. "There's no need for that. But, before we eat, I'd like...I'd like to say something."

"Ok," he answered.

"What you said just now...about us...about our distance doing more harm than good...the more I think about it, the more...the more I think I'm wrong." Tears welled in her eyes. "I love you, Chakotay, and I...I need you. I can pretend that I don't, and I can say a million times that our positions make a relationship impossible, but the truth is we love each other and denying that won't change that. And I don't want to keep on denying it, don't want to keep living a lie. But, at the same time, the obstacles between us are very real obstacles and I...I don't know if I'm strong enough to climb them. Because I'm not strong, Chakotay, not really, not when it comes to...in that way, you're stronger. And if we...you know...did try then...then I'd depend on your strength." A tear escaped her eye. "But do you think we could, Chakotay? Try? Because I'm thinking that, maybe, we could have a trial. You know... redefining our parameters so we're more than friends but not...not technically lovers."

At this, Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "What you mean is to pursue a romantic relationship but not sleep together until we're sure we can make that relationship work?"

Kathryn nodded. "That way if...you know...we can't handle things then we've never actually crossed the line...at least, not completely. There'd still be room for redemption." She paused and averted her eyes. "I know it's not ideal but...but it's the best I can offer."

Chakotay gently took her hands in his and squeezed them. "And I think it's a wonderful idea. Whenever parameters are redefined, in any relationship, there needs to be a time of adjustment. So, even if we were home, and the command structure was no longer an issue, I'd want us to take things slowly."

"Then...do we have a deal?"

Chakotay nodded with a smile and then opened his arms to her. "Shall we hug on it?"

Kathryn laughed softly. "Yes, let's."

Then she stepped into his arms and they held each other close.

* * *

THREE MONTHS LATER

In the room that had first brought them together, beneath the golden glow of a candle chandelier, Kathryn and Chakotay danced slowly to classical music. Kathryn was wearing a sultry black dress that fell off her shoulders, and Chakotay was clad in a white shirt over black pants. Many times, over the last three months, they had spent time here, dining or playing cards, but this night was different. Chakotay had sensed it from the moment Kathryn had welcomed him. There was an anticipation in the air, maybe in her aura, and it was electrifying. As they swayed softly to the music, talking and laughing in each others arms, Kathryn suddenly stopped dancing and kissed him. Chakotay kissed her back and they kissed tenderly, kissed long. Then, not wanting to breach the parameters she had set, Chakotay drew away.

"Shall we replicate another bottle of wine," he asked, "and make ourselves cozy by the fire?"

"We could," Kathryn said, "or...or we could make it a bottle of champagne and take it to bed."

At this, Chakotay re-closed the gap between them and took her hands in his. "There's nothing I'd like more, Kathryn. But are you sure you're ready? I'm happy the way things are."

"I am," she replied, "ready. I think I have been for a while. I thought, you know, that if we so much as kissed Voyager would get sucked into a quantum singularity never to escape, but we've kissed many times and each time Voyager has kept flying...well, except for that time when we got attacked by the gardoni and we ended up flat on your back."

"Yes," Chakotay laughed.

"So many of the things I feared would happen if we got together haven't. All that's happened is that we're happier. And, with us being happier, the crew is too. Us being together is good, Chakotay, and I want us to stay together. No more trial, no more parameters, I want us to go all the way."

Chakotay smiled, his eyes moist, and tenderly put his hand to her cheek. "Then let's get replicating that champagne."

Kathryn smiled in return, a dazzling smile that took his breath away. "Please, allow me, Sir."

Then, after planting a kiss on his cheek, she turned around and headed for the replicator.

THE END


End file.
